Podcast 29: Sex during menopause with Chloé De Bie

What does menopause do to your body, your libido, and your self-image?

In this episode, sexologist Chloé De Bie talks with Amandine De Paepe and Jona De Baerdemaeker from Insentials.

They openly discuss changing desire, vaginal dryness, shame, and the fact that sex can actually improve later in life.

About Chloé De Bie

Chloé De Bie is a clinical sexologist, clinical psychologist, couples, family, and systemic therapist, EFT therapist, grief therapist, and burnout coach.

She runs her own therapy center, Vivolinio, and is known for her lectures, books, and media work. She was also a radio DJ at JOE, hosting her own show, Love, Sex and Drama.

Lost your sex drive during menopause?

Amandine gets straight to the point and asks Chloé if it’s true that we lose interest in sex during menopause.

“No,” is Chloé’s clear answer. According to her, this is one of the biggest myths about perimenopause and menopause.

“Our bodies age and prepare us for the end of our fertile years. But sexuality isn’t just about having children - it’s also about pleasure and connection. And we definitely still need that.”

The healing power of sex

Amandine points out that sex is also very healing, good for immunity, and can even have restorative effects. The same goes for masturbation, Chloé confirms. Sex reduces stress, helps you sleep better… there are so many reasons to continue enjoying your sexuality. Sex relieves pain and releases a positive hormonal cocktail in your body, making you feel better both mentally and physically.

“‘Not tonight, honey, I have a headache’ is not a good excuse,” says Chloé. “Your partner is actually the medicine.”

An orgasm is just as effective as a nasal spray

Chloé talks about a study that showed an orgasm is just as effective as a nasal spray. “Both clear your nose for an hour,” she says. A spray can only be used a limited number of times per day, but masturbation can be done without limits. “So go for it!” Chloé laughs.

Conclusion: sex is incredibly healthy, and women in perimenopause and menopause should enjoy it much more and make time for it.

More foreplay

As women get older, they often gain more confidence in bed. You know what you like and what you want, and you can better communicate what feels good or less good. This can be very positive.

On the other hand, certain issues can affect your sex life. Physical complaints, such as back pain, as well as menopausal symptoms like vaginal dryness.

It takes more time to produce your “natural lubricant.” “As a menopausal woman, you just need a bit more foreplay,” says Chloé.

No desire to have sex anymore

Chloé: “Many women say they feel less desire for sex, but I’d like to nuance that. As a sexologist, I believe that’s mostly because we’ve been taught it’s supposed to be that way; that when you get older, you’re not supposed to want sex anymore.”

Even if you’ve been with the same partner for years, that doesn’t mean your desire has to fade. The safety of a stable relationship can actually lead to the best sex, as long as you keep exploring what you both want and the variety you need. But routine sex is perfectly fine too.

Feeling good in your body

Your body changes during menopause, and your fat distribution shifts. Fat that used to be on your thighs moves more toward your belly. Jona points out that this can affect your confidence in bed, especially when you start comparing yourself to the “perfect” bodies on social media.

Fortunately, more and more women realize they should take those images with a grain of salt. By accepting your body, you can also enjoy better sex. “Nobody looks good during sex,” says Chloé. “If you’re busy holding in your stomach, you’ll enjoy it a lot less.”

“And men have bellies too!” adds Amandine.

Sex is in your head

Chloé works with many menopausal patients who struggle in their relationships. They assume it’s normal to have less desire, while their partners often complain. “But you can still get just as turned on. You just need to know what your body needs,” says Chloé.

“Penetrative sex can become a bit more difficult during menopause, but penetration isn’t the ultimate goal. There are so many other things your body might need even more now to get aroused: oral sex, touch with the hands, and so on.

The biggest sexual organ is our brain, and the second is our skin. Your self-image and the way you view sexuality later in life determine whether you’ll still have good sex.”

drive in relatie houden tijdens menopauze

Keeping the spark alive

According to Chloé, women too quickly assume that something is wrong with them if sex doesn’t feel good. “They don’t talk about it and often blame stress or a busy life with children, when they might actually need a different kind of sexuality.

Couples who manage to expand their repertoire and not focus solely on penetrative sex have much better sex, more orgasms, and can enjoy themselves much more.”

Jona comments on the evolution of chemistry in a relationship. At first, there’s a lot of spark, but over time, communication becomes increasingly important. “Complacency is the biggest threat to any relationship, including on the sexual level,” Chloé adds.

Why fake orgasms?

One in two women often fake an orgasm because they don’t want to disappoint their partner. Did you know men can fake orgasms too? Two in five men do.

When women fake it, it’s mostly to avoid making their partner feel bad, since orgasms are generally seen as a must for “good” sex.

According to Chloé, that’s not true: “It’s about enjoying yourselves, arousing each other, touching, and connecting. That’s why communication is essential - without it, it won’t work. In a long-term relationship, your body goes through various changes, and you need to talk about each one to find a new balance.”

Orgasms and sex toys

A new study on masturbation, orgasms, and sex toys among women aged 40 to 65 shows that women continue to masturbate, and reach orgasm more easily as a result. Other notable findings from the study:

81% of menopausal women reach orgasm every time they masturbate; for premenopausal women, it’s 80%.
More than 41% of menopausal women use sex toys during masturbation.
1 in 3 sees an improvement in menopausal symptoms when they masturbate.
46% would use this healing power, but only if recommended by a healthcare provider.

Chloé recommends that every menopausal woman masturbate to (re)discover her own body. “It also helps you communicate with your partner about what feels good and what you need. A good piece of advice: make the effort to get in the mood and let go of your inhibitions. Dare to make it a priority.”

More energy, fewer irritations

When it comes to sex, it’s a bit like exercise, Amandine thinks. Sometimes you don’t feel like doing it because you’re tired, but you go ahead anyway - and after ten minutes, you already feel happier and energized.

Chloé adds, “True, you get that energy back twofold. If you’ve had good sex, you’ll be much less annoyed by those stray socks the next day. Sex acts as a buffer against irritations in a relationship because it makes you feel more connected. Sexuality is healthy and amazing at any age, but you need to actively engage in it and not assume it will always happen spontaneously.”

Use it or lose it – keep stimulating your vagina

At the previous Insentials menopause congress, vaginal dryness was discussed extensively. Joni says, “One of the experts compared our bodies to a car: if you leave it unused in the driveway, it will rust and start to malfunction. It’s the same with your vagina: if you don’t stimulate it, problems arise.”

Chloé adds, “Exactly. Keeping your body sexually active makes it more responsive to sex. Vaginal dryness can be tricky at the start of sex, but with proper stimulation, the vagina becomes just as wet as before, even without lubricant.”

As you get older, you need to focus more on “slow sex” - and that’s exactly what sexologists always recommend, because slow sex is better sex: higher-quality sex, more and better orgasms.