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Podcast Episode 22: Breaking mental health taboos with Jef Willem
Mental health is more openly discussed today than ever before. Yet, many persistent taboos remain. In this special WOW Health Talks episode of the Amandine De Paepe Podcast, in collaboration with Generation WOW, Amandine De Paepe and Barbara De Beir talk with Jef Willem, entrepreneur and founder of Onbespreekbaar, a platform that makes mental health accessible and open for discussion. They discuss perfectionism, social media, grief, and emotional resilience. How can we learn to be kinder to ourselves and others? Why do we find vulnerability so difficult? How can we ensure that obstacles don’t hold us back but instead make us stronger? Jef shares insights and experiences that help not only to understand mental health but also to embrace it.
About Jef Willem
Jef Willem, together with his business partner Nicolas Overmeire, is the driving force behind Onbespreekbaar, a platform aimed at breaking the taboo around mental health issues. Jef lives in an intriguing paradox: as an introverted person, he seeks peace and minimal stimulation, yet professionally, he thrives in the midst of activity. As a DJ, speaker, and entrepreneur, he is constantly surrounded by people.
With his entrepreneurial mindset and diverse experiences, he continues to build initiatives that make a real impact.
The biggest taboo: the illusion of being alone with your thoughts
Barbara jumps right in and asks Jef about the taboos surrounding mental health that he encounters most often. Many people believe that their deepest thoughts and struggles are unique. That what goes on in their minds is something no one else could possibly understand. According to Jef Willem, this is the biggest taboo that still exists, even after four years of working in the field of mental health.
Why we think we're alone
We rarely talk about our deepest thoughts and emotions. Not because we don’t want to, but because we often assume that others don’t either. This creates a vicious cycle:
- We don’t share our inner struggles because we think others don’t have them.
- Others do the same, which prevents anyone from realizing that these thoughts are universal.
- We remain trapped in the belief that we're alone.
As a result, many people continue to struggle with feelings of loneliness and shame, while in reality, countless others are experiencing the exact same things.
Breaking taboos starts with sharing
Jef compares this to the nutrition industry, where Amandine works. Many people hesitate to share their eating habits, struggles, or insecurities, even though these issues are incredibly common. The same principle applies to nearly every aspect of mental health.
With Onbespreekbaar, Jef aims to show the power of openness. By talking about the things that are often left unspoken, it becomes clear that no one is truly alone in what they feel. The more people share, the less “unspoken” something becomes.
You're not alone
The idea that you're entirely alone with your thoughts is not just a taboo, it's an illusion. Everyone experiences insecurities, doubts, and difficulties. It's only when we break the silence that we realize how deeply connected we actually are.
Jef uses grief as an example. Grieving is a profound and personal process that everyone experiences differently. According to Jef Willem, it remains a topic that is not discussed enough, even though it's something every person will face at some point in life. There are also significant cultural differences. In Mexico, mourning is given space and time, while in Western cultures, people often wonder how long they are "allowed" to grieve. For Jef, this is proof that there's still a long way to go. If something as universal as grief is still taboo, we are only at the beginning of making important issues more open to discussion.
Man and woman: different, but with shared struggles
Amandine asks whether there are differences between men and women when it comes to mental health issues. According to Jef, there's definitely a difference, though the root cause is the same. The core of the problem is the societal pressure placed on every individual. This pressure manifests in different ways:
- Women are often told they're too emotional, even though expressing emotions is actually a valuable skill.
- Men, on the other hand, are often discouraged from showing their feelings and are expected to stay strong.
This creates a paradox in which we criticize each other for being either too emotional or not emotional enough. This pattern starts early in childhood. When a young girl cries, she is comforted, whereas a boy is often told, "Come on, don’t cry, be strong." While it may seem like a cliché, it's still deeply ingrained in our culture.
Perfectionism: a projection of society onto the individual
Barbara asks about the mental impact of perfectionism. Jef describes perfectionism as a projection of society onto the individual. We're constantly presented with the idea that everything must be perfect. We strive to be the perfect mother, son, or partner and to have the perfect relationship.
The problem is that perfection doesn't exist. It's not a concept found in nature. Yet, we're not taught how to filter out this pressure, and it takes a toll on us. We set unrealistic expectations for ourselves without realizing that these expectations often come from external influences rather than from within.
When striving for perfection becomes destructive
Jef emphasizes that striving for improvement is not the problem in itself. Entrepreneurs and ambitious individuals often aim to get better at what they do. The danger arises when we refuse to allow ourselves any mistakes and constantly feel that nothing is ever good enough.
He sees a clear difference between people who can be kind to themselves and those who constantly put pressure on themselves. Those who learn to grow step by step, without punishing themselves for imperfection, experience much less mental strain.
Kindness as an underestimated strength
Jef shares a personal experience: he used to be highly critical of others and always had something negative to say about people. Later, he realized that this was a projection of how harshly he judged himself. He did not like himself, and so he directed that frustration outward.
Only when he learned to accept himself did he notice how his view of others changed. People who are hard on others are often just as hard on themselves. According to him, this realization is essential to letting go of perfectionism and developing a healthier, more realistic self-image and worldview.
Barbara agrees on the power of kindness—not only toward oneself but also toward others.
Loneliness: a signal of a lack of connection
A brief discussion on vulnerability naturally leads the conversation to the topic of friendship. Jef explains that meaningful friendships are formed when vulnerability is shared or when obstacles are overcome together. However, friendships are not always easy to maintain in today’s society. Studies show that loneliness is a significant issue for many people. It's a signal from our brain that we need connection.
The impact of social relationships on mental health
Many people underestimate the importance of social interactions for their mental well-being. Jef shares his own experience: although after a long day, he often prefers to collapse on the couch and watch Netflix, he always finds that social interaction ultimately gives him more energy.
His resolution for 2025 is to invest more in social relationships:
✔️ Instead of spending an evening alone at home, making plans with friends.
✔️ Choosing connection despite feeling tired or overstimulated.
✔️ Recognizing that social contact often has a positive effect afterward.
This proves that loneliness is not always caused by a lack of people around us but rather by a lack of deep, meaningful interactions.
Can you feel lonely as a twin?
Barbara, one of the hosts, has an identical twin sister. However, this doesn't mean she never experiences loneliness. She shares how, during their childhood at boarding school, both she and her sister felt homesick, and their emotions amplified each other. "You would think that having someone always by your side means you never feel alone, but sometimes it actually intensifies the feelings."
This highlights that loneliness is not just a physical state. You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone.
Loneliness and modern society
Jef points out that we live in an individualistic society, which intensifies feelings of loneliness. The irony? The closer people live together in large cities, the lonelier they often feel.
He refers to the history of the concept of loneliness. Interestingly, the word did not exist in earlier times. It only emerged in the late 1700s. During the first Industrial Revolution, the term "loneliness" started being used in its modern sense.
As people moved en masse to cities, away from small, close-knit communities, the pressure to perform increased. The focus shifted from a sense of community to individual progress. People were physically surrounded by others but felt mentally and emotionally isolated.
Lonely in a metropolis
The paradox of loneliness in big cities is still evident today. In megacities like New York, people walk around with headphones on, eyes fixed on their phones, avoiding eye contact. "Who really knows their neighbors anymore?" Barbara wonders.
Jef himself has lived in Sint-Amandsberg for three and a half years, yet he does not even know what his neighbor looks like. This realization illustrates how modern lifestyles increasingly distance us from one another.
The impact of social media: balance or danger?
Social media has transformed our lives in countless ways. It offers unprecedented opportunities for connection, information, and inspiration. At the same time, excessive use poses risks, especially when social media becomes a quick dopamine fix that ultimately leaves us feeling empty.
According to Jef Willem, social media is neither good nor bad. It's a neutral tool. What we do with it depends on us. Some people use it constructively, for instance, to promote their business. Others become addicted to endless scrolling without gaining anything valuable from it.
Amandine distinguishes between active users, who create and share content, and passive users, who only consume it. She believes that passive users are often more overstimulated because they are flooded with an endless stream of information without any personal input.
Jef notes that the generation growing up today knows nothing other than a world with smartphones, social media, and constant online connectivity. Parents try to guide them, but they themselves grew up without this digital reality. This creates a gap in how parents and young people understand and use social media.
Jef gives workshops where he helps parents and teenagers understand each other's perspectives on social media. A recurring question in these sessions is why teenagers use social media the way they do and what underlying needs drive their behavior.
Additionally, he believes we are still in the early stages of learning how to navigate social media. Jef predicts that in twenty to thirty years, the balance between online and offline life will naturally improve. Some people will learn to manage it in a healthy way, while others will continue to struggle with overuse, just as we see today with alcohol or other addictions.
Connecting across generations and attachment styles: understanding instead of assuming
Different generations, attachment styles, and communication preferences can lead to misunderstandings, but at the core, we all seek connection.
In the workplace, generations often clash due to differing habits. Younger people prefer texting, while older generations are more likely to call. By focusing on intentions rather than frustrations, we can better understand each other.
The same happens in relationships. One partner may want to resolve conflicts immediately, while the other needs time to prepare for a conversation. The latter can feel like emotional distance to the first partner, even though it actually stems from care and love.
A simple solution? DAFSE (Don’t Assume for Someone Else). Instead of assuming what someone means, ask questions. This prevents misunderstandings and strengthens relationships; at home, at work, and in daily life.
No is a complete answer
Setting boundaries is a hot topic, especially in the workplace. Many people struggle to say no; but even more struggle to accept a "no." They often feel the need to justify themselves, as if a simple "no" isn’t enough. Yet, "no" is a complete answer and doesn’t always require a lengthy explanation.
People who have difficulty saying no often do so from a pleaser mentality. They don’t want to disappoint others but forget that setting boundaries actually creates clarity and respect. A brief explanation can help maintain politeness and directness without unnecessary excuses.
Setting boundaries is not only important on a personal level but also professionally. In a business setting, being direct helps avoid unnecessary compromises.
By consistently and clearly communicating your boundaries, you reduce unnecessary stress and create more space for what truly matters; both in your work and personal life.
Passive and active challenges
In our fast-paced society, unwinding is a hot topic. But does it work the same way for everyone? Some people find peace and clarity in rest and silence, while others gain energy from action and challenge. According to Jef, the distinction between passive and active stimuli or challenges plays a crucial role in this.
Passive challenges are things we have no control over, such as paying bills or work-related stress. When feeling overstimulated, people often eliminate their active challenges, such as sports or hobbies, leaving themselves with only passive challenges. This increases mental strain and reduces the feeling of control.
The opposite is often more effective: actively choosing a challenge, such as trying a new sport or creative activity, can help stimulate the brain in a healthy way. This fosters a sense of autonomy and competence, which contributes to mental resilience.
Solving overstimulation doesn’t always mean doing less, but rather making more intentional choices about what you do. Finding a balance between relaxation and active challenge is the key to sustainable mental energy.
Obstacles as opportunities
In life, we all encounter obstacles. How we deal with them determines whether they hold us back or make us stronger. This aligns with a principle from Stoic philosophy: "The obstacle is the way."
A personal example from Jef is the founding of Onbespreekbaar. In the beginning, the platform faced heavy criticism and was even "canceled" because the founders were not psychologists. This felt like a major setback, but by reflecting on their role and value, the obstacle became the core of their mission. They clarified that they while they're not therapists, they build a bridge between people seeking help and the right professionals. As a result, Onbespreekbaar only became stronger in its purpose.
This principle applies to many challenges in life. Sometimes, it’s necessary to step back and look at an obstacle from a different perspective. Instead of letting it stop us, we can see it as an opportunity for growth.
Another important lesson is not to place too much value on the opinions of others. Those who rely on external validation, both praise and criticism, remain dependent on how the outside world responds. True strength comes from internal validation: knowing what you stand for, regardless of external approval.
Ultimately, it’s not just about making mental health a topic of discussion but also about truly listening. Everyone has their own path, and sometimes, the biggest obstacle is actually the signpost pointing toward growth.
Taking responsibility and building resilience
Barbara points out that many people place the cause of their problems outside themselves. “That person did this,” or “That’s not my fault,” are common reactions. But true growth begins when we take responsibility for how we deal with setbacks.
There's an important difference between blame and responsibility. Someone who had a difficult childhood or grew up in unhealthy family dynamics is not to blame for that. However, it is their responsibility to decide how they handle it. Intergenerational trauma, for example, is not someone’s fault, but it can be a pattern they choose to break.
Tips to improve your mental well-being
Amandine refers to a recent newspaper article stating that turning to antidepressants is not the solution. She asks Jef for concrete tips on dealing with mental struggles.
Control and focus
One of the most important insights for resilience, according to Jef, is understanding what is within your control and what is not. Many people waste energy on things they cannot influence.
By focusing on what is within your control, you reclaim autonomy. This applies in both professional and personal situations. If a supplier delivers late, that is beyond your control, but you can communicate with your team and adjust your planning accordingly.
Getting into flow: breaking free from negative thoughts
Ironically, constantly thinking about your mental health can sometimes have the opposite effect. If you spend all day reflecting on how you feel, you stay trapped in your own head. The brain automatically starts looking for negative thoughts.
That’s why it is important to distract yourself occasionally and get into a "flow" state. This can be through creative activities like building a Lego set, coloring mandalas, or exercising. Skiing, for example, is a great way to disconnect. When you’re fully focused on the descent, there’s no room to dwell on your problems.
The power of movement and social connection
Beyond individual activities, social interaction plays a crucial role in mental well-being. Genuine, in-person contact with family and friends—without the distraction of smartphones—helps improve overall mood.
Movement also contributes, not just for physical health but especially for mental resilience. More companies could incorporate movement into work culture, for instance, by holding meetings while walking. Schools could also focus more on active learning, as children spend too much time sitting still. Moving together creates a natural form of connection and encourages open conversations.
Final thought: the balance between stimuli
Ultimately, it’s about finding a balance between passive and active stimuli. By being mindful of what gives energy and what drains it, we can strengthen our mental resilience and overall well-being. This insight is not only valuable for individuals but also for businesses, schools, and society as a whole.
With these reflections, we conclude the conversation. There's still much to learn about mental health, but one thing is certain: the right mindset and conscious choices can make a significant difference.